Grow a Set
by MomofPhoenix
Summary: Answer to a challenge. It's a Babe
1. Chapter 1

A/N not mine, I own nothing but the plot.

This is my reply to AVbabe's challenge to use the phrase,

Man up and grow some balls, cupcake.

I hope I do it justice. It is a Babe.

Lynda

Grow a Set

"Damn it!" I yelled as I kicked my tire. "Shit!"

Now, I'm hopping around like an idiot. I'm pretty sure I broke my foot. The freaking POS that I'm driving around has finally gave up the ghost and went to the garage in the sky. I don't really mind, but I'm alongside of the turnpike, in Philly. They don't call it the surekill for nothing.

Cars are whizzing by at ungodly speeds, that don't stop. The number one rule on this stretch of the Pennsylvania turnpike is always keep moving and there is a deadly crash, on average, once a week. All I wanted to do was go to the damn outlet malls in Hershey for the day. Grandma Mazur's birthday was coming up and I wanted to find her something special.

I get back in my car, on the passenger side, and grab my cell phone. I figured I'd try Joe, since we were back together. I hit speed dial number four and waited. It went to voice mail. I left him a message and pray he calls me soon.

I can feel the draft shaking my car as others went flying by within an inch of mine. I was terrified. Thirty minutes later I tried him again. This time he answered.

"What?!" he shouts.

"Joe, my car broke down alongside the surekill. Can you please come get me? I'm scared to death."

"I can't. Deal with it."

"What the hell, Joe."

I heard none other than Terri Gilman in the background telling him to come back to bed.

"Seriously, Joe. We have been back together for almost two months and your fucking Terri. That's just perfect. I'm done with your sorry ass."

"Wrong again. You and I will be married by the end of next month whether you want to or not."

"Go to hell!"

I hung up on him and pressed speed dial number one. Ranger picked up right away.

"Babe."

I took this to mean what's wrong.

"I'm stuck on the side of the PA turnpike in Philly."

"Be there in thirty."

True to his word he was there in thirty minutes. He asked me why I didn't call Morelli. I explained to him what happened. He got an evil glint in his eye. Crap, he was planning something. I could see it.

He called someone and said, "Operation Crate drop is a go."

"Uhhh, Ranger, what is operation crate drop?"

"Babe."

We made our way back to Haywood and Ranger took me upstairs to seven. He wanted to talk to me. Crap, that's never good. First he wanted Bobby to check out my foot.

"Well, Pele, you bruised it pretty bad, but I don't think anything is broken."

I looked at him and had to ask, "Who the hell is Pele?"

Ranger and Bobby both burst out laughing. Bobby wrapped up my foot and told me to stay off of it awhile.

When he left, Ranger carried me to the bedroom and helped me change into one of his t-shirts. He laid down next to me on his side. He had a strange look in his face before he began to talk.

"You and Morelli are done for good, now?"

"Yes," I replied timidly.

"How would you feel about a trip to Atlantic City tonight?"

"Depends on why?"

"Well, you see, that finger on your left hand looks a little bare. I think you need some bling on it along with a name change."

"What?! Are you asking me to marry you? I thought you said your love comes with a condom, not a ring."

"Nope, I realized you and I both need a ring. So, what do you say?"

"I will have to say, Yes."

We were married that evening. When we returned to Rangeman Ranger's phone rang. He chuckled when he looked at the caller id and put it on speaker.

"You bastard! Where the fuck am I?" Yelled a very pissed of sounding Morelli.

" **Man up and grow some balls, Cupcake!** You were in the military, figure it out." Ranger laughed as he hung up on him.

"What third world country did Operation crate drop occur in?" I asked.

"No third world country. I dropped him in the middle of Pennsylvania. Let's see how long it takes him to get back."

I couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Maybe he'd get stuck on the turnpike.

A/N I hope you all enjoyed it! There is a section of the PA turnpike near Philly that the locals call the surekill. Trust me there is good reason for it to be called that, I've driven it once...never again. AC wasn't worth that nightmare on the way home, when I lived in PA. They have some of the worst maintained roads in the country... trust me. If you didn't destroy your car with the potholes... then the never ending shoddy roadwork by Penndot did it for you.

Oh, and a virtual cookie for the person who can tell me who Pele is...one of my favorite all time athletes, but what sport did he play... I'll write a one shot of your choice to the person who gets it right.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N not mine, I own nothing but the plot.

This is what happens to Joe in Operation Crate Drop. I had so many reviews, this was my most reviewed single chapter yet, asking me why not in a third world country. Well, I'm going to take you to a little place called Amish country... trust me it's a whole different world. Then we will move onto my home town of York, PA. A town where you don't want to be outside after dark unless you are in a gang or know someone in a gang. Yes, it's that bad in the city. They are ranked as the 15th city in the U.S. for violent crimes...there is good reason for that. Joe is about to step into another time and then into a world of chaos. You definitely need a set in downtown York after dark.

Also, the first peron to respond was our well loved, Margaret. So her one shot will be up shortly.

I know I date myself with Pele, I probably should have used Lalas, my second favorite soccer player.

Grow a Set

JoePOV

I am laying in my bed with Terri in my arm. I had taken Cupcakes phone call asking me to pick her up. Yeah, right, like that's going to happen. I haven't had Terri in two damn months, I wasn't going to waste a single second of the time we have together.

I was just about asleep when I notice that my power has gone off. I go downstairs to check the breaker, but before I even get there I feel a small prick in my neck. I turn around quickly to find that giant guy from Rangeman standing behind me, grinning like a cheshire cat. I wanted to speak, but I could feel the darkness closing in. My last coherent thought at that point was fuck.

I slowly come to, hearing a foreign language. I'm not sure what it is, but it ain't Jersey or Italian. I open my eyes just as the scent overwhelms me to the point of gaging. I see six faces above me and realize that I am in a field or pasture of some sort. I sit up and realize I have on cargo pants and a red tank top on. I check the pockets, there is a knife, water, granola bar and a phone.

I try the phone. It will only let me dial one number. It seems vaguely familiar. The other end answers.

"You, bastard! Where the fuck am I?!" I yell into the phone.

" **Man up and grow some balls, Cupcake! You were in the military, figure it out.** " Manoso replied, laughing. I could hear Cupcake in the background. That fucker, I'll show him who's got a set.

I look around to find any clues I can as to where I'm at. I hear the people speak and out sounds German now that I listen closely. Every now and then I hear the word english almost like an curse.

Finally the older man walks up to me. "You are English, ja?"

"I speak english, yes, but I'm Italian." They look even more confused.

"You'll break bread with us tonight and tomorrow Jacob will drop you off in town."

"Thank you."

"Bita."

He takes me inside his home and introduces me to his family and shows me where I will sleep that night. I feel like I'm back in the stone ages. Haven't these people heard of electricity? A phone? Cars...they do exist, come on people get with the times. It's 2015 people. I ask to use the bathroom before dinner and they point me towards an outhouse in the back yard. I groan and hang my head as I make my way to it.

I am seated at the table upon my return and the women begin to dish up plates. I'm not sure what anything is, but is smells wonderful.

Once everyone is served, Hiam, say a blessing, at least that's what I think it is.

"What is this? It is delicious," I inquire.

"Hog maw, chow-chow and succotash," Rachel tells me.

I had to ask, I really shouldn't have, but I did. "What is Hog maw?"

"Vegetables and sausage baked in a pigs stomach," Hiam calmly tells me. I almost lose my dinner right there. Where the hell am I?

"Where am I?" I decided to ask.

"Lancaster county. Why?"

"I need to find a way back to Jersey."

They gave me a funny look, "It's near New York."

"Ahhh...York. We have a cousin there. I can have Jacob talk to Micha and see if he will take you to York, ja?"

"Yes, thank you."

I was so excited to be getting a little bit closer. That I never noticed he said York, not New York.

After the worst night sleep possible, on a straw mattress. I was taking a horse and buggy ride into the town of Blue Balls. What the hell? Why name a town Blue Balls? Should I be afraid? Yeah, fear is what I'm going with on this one.

Jacob takes me to a little Amish store. We walk inside and he talks to someone at the counter. She dresses similar, but there is a difference.

She picks up the phone and makes a call to Micha.

"He will happily take you to York. The only problem is that his truck is broken down, so he will have to take you on his motorcycle," she tells me.

I nod my head and reply, "That's fine."

Jacob tells me good luck and heads back to the store.

I walk around the small store as I wait for Micha to show up. The handmade furniture has tags that boast that they are Amish made. The simple pieces are expertly hand crafted.

"Hiam and his brothers built each piece for this store."

"They do amazing work. I'll have to make a trip back here to purchase a few things." I told her.

About an hour later a large man in leather shows up. Please, don't let this be Micha.

"Are you Joe?" the man asks.

"Yeah, you Micha?"

"Let's roll, traffic on thirty is bad because of an accident. So, we are taking 462 and the Wrightsville bridge over the Susquehanna. Pretty enough drive."

"Got an extra helmet?"

"Nah, man. You don't need them to ride in Pee-ay."

This place must have a death wish. Soon we are on our way. Of course I have to ride bitch, I don't mind. It's a Harley-Davidson fat boy, comfortable seats meant for long drives.

Thirty minutes into the ride we are coming up on a very old stone pillar bridge. That spans a large river. The roads are so bumby that my ass is sore. I swear the man is purposely hitting every pothole, not that they are even avoidable there is so many of them.

We get over the bridge and into Wrightsville. Soon I start seeing signs for a place called Hellam. What is it with this area and their town names?

He is pulling up in front of a place called the York Fairgrounds, the sign boasts that it is America's oldest fair. I see thousands of people in the area. I can't understand why we're stopping here.

"Here's your stop. I gotta pick up my old lady at the Wheelie. Have a safe trip home."

I am now even more lost. I have no freaking idea where I am. I see a woman at the ticket counter and go ask her.

She gives me an odd look. She tells me that I'm in York.

"I'm sorry ma'am. I'm a police officer in Trenton New Jersey. I managed to become stranded in Lancaster and I think there was some miscommunication about where I wanted to go. Is there a phone nearby that I can use to make a few calls?"

"Sure, you can use my cell phone."

She hands it to me and I start making some calls, including to my Mom. No one answers. I leave voice mails at each number I call.

It's starting to get dark and I can see the ferris wheel lights coming on. The fall air is crisp and I'm starting to get worried. I need to find a police station, maybe they can help me out. I ask for directions from some punk who has a blue bandanna on his head, along with a white wife beater and his jeans hanging below his ass.

He sneers at me and says, "Not with those colors." He walks away. I stand there confused. I soon find someone who points me in the right direction.

I start walking the eight city blocks they tell me to go. I find a small sattelite office with a notice on the door. Telling me that the S. George St. office is permanently closed, and please go to their S. Queen St. office.

I look at the little map and find that it is only one block over and two blocks south. As I turn onto S. Queen St. I notice that the atmosphere begins to change. The row homes look like they are falling down around me. I see a rat the size of a small dog scurry into an alleyway. I can't hide the tremor that runs through me.

I can feel eyes watching me as I walk down the street. I look up and realize that I only have a block to go, when I hear gunshots and squealing tires. The few people who were walking down the sidewalk hit the deck. I figured I'd better join them.

What the hell?! I go from the middle of nowhere, to the middle of drive bys. People think Jersey is nuts!

I make my way to the sattelite station on this street and am grateful to find one officer inside.

I speak to him through the intercom.

"I am Detective Joseph Morelli, Homicide Trenton PD. I managed to get lost here and need a way to get home or at least call home to make arraignments to get there."

"I need to run you, before I can let you in." The extremely tall and muscular Latino man behind the window says. He looks like he could work for Ranger.

He runs me through the system and five minutes later he is letting me in.

"You must be a special kind of stupid," he says to me.

"Why would you say that?"

"Walking in this neighborhood in those colors after dark. The Latin Kings would be all over your ass. You were probably the target for the drive by...idiot."

Holy fuck! How did I end up in gang area? If what we've been told is true, then I'm so screwed. I'll be lucky to get home with my life.

Tony tells me that he has someone coming for me and tosses me a gray t-shirt to put on.

The guy that shows up only pulls up to the door. He refuses to get out of the car. The car itself looks like something Cupcake would drive, mostly rust with a little bit of paint showing. The engine, however, sounded like a high performance one. You could feel the bass from the stereo pounding from inside the car. I groan and how deaf I would be by the time I get back to Jersey.

Tony tells me that Neno, would be taking me to Philly, that's as far as he was going. He was heading to his Aunt's house to help her out the next day. So I could at least get a ride that far.

Good, I at least know people in Philly. I should be able to get a rise to Trenton from there.

I step outside, heading for the car. I suddenly feel a sharp burn in my shoulder; I look down aand see red blooming one my shirt.

"I've been shot." I mutter before I fell to the ground.

I come back to and realize that I am in an ambulance with the lights and siren blaring. I hear the ems on the phone with the er.

"Coming in hot, GSW to right shoulder, through and through. Gang related. Place hospital on lock down. ETA for trauma is 2 minutes."

He hangs up his cell phone and looks at me.

"Detective Morelli, you have got to be the biggest idiot I've ever met. Your damn lucky that my partner and I hadn't left for the day yet. Ain't no one else crazy enough to go in that neighborhood on a good day and we are the only ones dumb enough to go after dark. You got a death wish or something?"

I wasn't able to reply, because they were pulling into the hospital and they were rushing me in. I heard the EMS giving the nurse report.

Over the loud speaker came a tin can sounding voice, "GSW, hospital is now on lock down. GSW hospital is now on lock down. Code yellow."

They began cutting away my shirt and asking me all kinds of questions. I had been admitted for observation.

The nurse brings my discharge instructions and my brother, Anthony walked in behind her.

"Your an idiot. The entire burg is up in arms about you and Steph. She ran off and married Manoso last night and Terri is telling everyone who will listen that she is three months pregnant with your child. Ma, is ready to murder you. Then for you to go and get shot in gang territory, well it just don't look so good."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"That you ran off when you found out about Terri and Steph. You coward! You shouldn't have been stringing both of them along! I had to drive four hours to come get your dumb ass. The only thing that kept me laughing was the signs for some of the towns and the damn giant pink house that looks like a shoe next to the highway. I mean come on! Who names a town Intercourse or Bird-In-Hand?"

"The same ones that name a town, Blue Balls, or Hellam."

"You're kidding, right."

"Nope, that's what they're called."

I had decided to pull a Steph and go into denial mode about everything until I was forced to deal with it.

On our way home we stopped in a city called Reading for lunch. I was informed my our very annoyed waitress that it was pronounced RED-ING, not reading and that it is Lan-Kis-ster not Lan-cast-ter. Apparently, they are rather touchy about how the town names are pronounced.

Anthony decides to try Hog maw and I can't tell him what it really is. I get a burger and fries. I see something called scrapple and decide to ask our waitress what it is. I shouldn't have, I really shouldn't have. When she tells me that most people put syrup on it to eat I think I throw up a little in my mouth.

I realize that this is my personal hell. How can people eat this crap?

We are finally back in Trenton and I have to listen to my mom bitch at me, Terri yell at me and Mrs. Plum ask over and over "why me".

It is radio silence from Manoso and Cupcake. I do find out that I am on suspension for conflict of interests.

"Son of a bitch!" I yell as I spot the headlines on the evening paper.

 **R. Carlos Manoso and Stephanie Plum marry in a private ceremony.**

A/N scrapple...nasty stuff. If you don't know what it is and want to look it up to find out, please do so. I grew up in that region and never did like it. Not even with syrup.

The guy that went around the world on Bizzare foods tried it once and I think it was only the second time I had ever seen him spit something out because it made him gag...like I said, nasty stuff.


End file.
